Chosen

I am Chosen

                Sometimes I catch glimpses. Those still moment in which a spark seems to ignite, slowing everything around you, focusing on the small flames.  The hidden gem brought to sparkle for just a minute. I long to grasp it and the girl I see in this very second. The clear vision of who I am.

                Music blasts from the stereo and I sit in front of my computer screen, staring at a blank page, wanting to write this feeling-consuming. Difficult to explain the life lived and the memories left behind, the future hazed. Growing up beyond where cruel words can reach from the past, to a place where I ponder in frozen time. And despite feeling lost most of the time, and forgetting my worth, I know sit smiling. Smiling by myself in the empty room with just me, my music, my writing, and God, I find worth. I am happy. Even though I have suppressed my greatness and forgotten how truly beautiful I can be, there are times where I do catch glimpses.

                I don’t need anyone to save me. I am saved. I have been saved. Saved from a life of sadness and loneliness, I am. God pulled me out a long time ago and I just couldn’t see. So many blessings around me and I have been blind. Masked by the horrid memories of heartache and depression, I have groped for meaning in myself and in life. But it has always been there, right there, so close I just needed to squeeze and grasp tightly. Tears swell at the feeling of peace. I know in this very second that I have so much worth. More than I can comprehend. I believe in myself. I am worth more than tears from my bleeding heart, more than pain from actions done towards me, more than what they say on their tongues waiting to devour my soul.

                Maybe I have let people down. Maybe once, I was alone...alone without love. But now I am not. I never truly was. I couldn’t be happy when focused on people’s thoughts and words. I wanted to make them happy. But I’ve never tried to make myself happy. Maybe now it’s time. I do much and I try so hard. I always wanted to be accepted –chosen. Now I am. I am chosen by me. I chose me. I didn’t realize… but until I chose me every day, I will not be happy. I can’t keep dreaming of who I want to be. I must become who that girl is now and love her with all that I possess. For when I ignite that fire and let it burn brighter I won’t just be sitting here, smiling by myself. I will be smiling for myself in front of everyone.

                I can do it. I know that there will be days ahead, when those words will drag from the deepest recesses of my mind and bring upon waves of sorrow. I know there will be days when I look around and feel not good enough for anything. But, there will be days like today, right now, where I see clearly who I am. No one can tell me who I am. No one can make me feel like someone I’m not. And I can keep my shoulders held high until the day I meet my maker, knowing I’ve done all I could to keep strong and to be who I was meant to be. I tried. I’ve fought. I’ve fought to survive. I’ve fought to live. I’ve fought to overcome the image painted on everyone’s minds. I am not that girl. I am the girl I want to be. I am proud of the girl I am. And my fire will not be put out by hard days, it will not be put out by other people, it will not be put out by memories of the past. God gave me new light a long time ago, and I am ready to watch it burn as high as it can go. He never gave up on me. He always held my hand. He is proud of me. He is there. He gives my soul worth. I am chosen by Him. He has chosen me. I chose Him. I can light this world. I can light my soul. I can light my way. I am chosen. My fire is burning. I choose me.