Chosen

I am Chosen

                Sometimes I catch glimpses. Those still moment in which a spark seems to ignite, slowing everything around you, focusing on the small flames.  The hidden gem brought to sparkle for just a minute. I long to grasp it and the girl I see in this very second. The clear vision of who I am.

                Music blasts from the stereo and I sit in front of my computer screen, staring at a blank page, wanting to write this feeling-consuming. Difficult to explain the life lived and the memories left behind, the future hazed. Growing up beyond where cruel words can reach from the past, to a place where I ponder in frozen time. And despite feeling lost most of the time, and forgetting my worth, I know sit smiling. Smiling by myself in the empty room with just me, my music, my writing, and God, I find worth. I am happy. Even though I have suppressed my greatness and forgotten how truly beautiful I can be, there are times where I do catch glimpses.

                I don’t need anyone to save me. I am saved. I have been saved. Saved from a life of sadness and loneliness, I am. God pulled me out a long time ago and I just couldn’t see. So many blessings around me and I have been blind. Masked by the horrid memories of heartache and depression, I have groped for meaning in myself and in life. But it has always been there, right there, so close I just needed to squeeze and grasp tightly. Tears swell at the feeling of peace. I know in this very second that I have so much worth. More than I can comprehend. I believe in myself. I am worth more than tears from my bleeding heart, more than pain from actions done towards me, more than what they say on their tongues waiting to devour my soul.

                Maybe I have let people down. Maybe once, I was alone...alone without love. But now I am not. I never truly was. I couldn’t be happy when focused on people’s thoughts and words. I wanted to make them happy. But I’ve never tried to make myself happy. Maybe now it’s time. I do much and I try so hard. I always wanted to be accepted –chosen. Now I am. I am chosen by me. I chose me. I didn’t realize… but until I chose me every day, I will not be happy. I can’t keep dreaming of who I want to be. I must become who that girl is now and love her with all that I possess. For when I ignite that fire and let it burn brighter I won’t just be sitting here, smiling by myself. I will be smiling for myself in front of everyone.

                I can do it. I know that there will be days ahead, when those words will drag from the deepest recesses of my mind and bring upon waves of sorrow. I know there will be days when I look around and feel not good enough for anything. But, there will be days like today, right now, where I see clearly who I am. No one can tell me who I am. No one can make me feel like someone I’m not. And I can keep my shoulders held high until the day I meet my maker, knowing I’ve done all I could to keep strong and to be who I was meant to be. I tried. I’ve fought. I’ve fought to survive. I’ve fought to live. I’ve fought to overcome the image painted on everyone’s minds. I am not that girl. I am the girl I want to be. I am proud of the girl I am. And my fire will not be put out by hard days, it will not be put out by other people, it will not be put out by memories of the past. God gave me new light a long time ago, and I am ready to watch it burn as high as it can go. He never gave up on me. He always held my hand. He is proud of me. He is there. He gives my soul worth. I am chosen by Him. He has chosen me. I chose Him. I can light this world. I can light my soul. I can light my way. I am chosen. My fire is burning. I choose me.

A Tid Bit of Love

This morning I woke up disheartened. Me and my husband are so busy and it felt like any other regular day. I was stuck in my own selfish shell when I realized the truth behind Valentine's Day.
Growing up we see the romance and the gifts. We are taken in by the thought of it all. That's what we have come to expect. I am a die hard romantic and my hopes have always been high on Valentine's Day.
As I was feeling sorry for our busy day and the fact that there wasn't anything special going on, I realized that I was looking at this all wrong. It isn't about the presents and the romance. It is about the love.
I have so much love for my husband. He means the world to me. Everyday I somehow find that I love him more than the day before. It is always growing deeper and deeper. I realized that it didn't matter that we didn't have time for a big romantic dinner, or that we couldn't afford anything right now to give to each other. The fact remained that we loved each other and that we had each other for another day. What more could one ask for on Valentines day?
Not only did I realize this, but also that I had so many people in my life that loved me and that I love. This day is about expressing to them your care. It is about making sure people know how you feel and how grateful you are. 
My life has been nothing other than a fairy tale. I have a prince charming who loves me and who I love. I am treated like a princess everyday. It is like Valentine's 24/7. So this "normal" day, is not so normal. For my normal is Valentine's. It is filled with love. I have nothing to complain about or feel down about. I wasted time this morning not seeing what was right in front of me.
Let love in to your everyday life. Live in Valentines! There is nothing better than going out of your way to show and tell someone you love them and have it returned. I am so grateful for my family and for my wonderful husband! Happy Valentine's Day Everyone.:):)

A story to entertain :)

The grass swayed a top the moon crested hill. It danced around the base covering the roots entangled and intertwined underneath. The bark was scratchy and rough from many years hard work. It had been beaten upon by torrential downpour, chilling to the bone winds, softly falling snow, and burning sun. It cracked every now and then, stretching in the morning. The branches hung low; it's fingers reached yearning to touch the playful grass.  It bent, shielding anyone from the passing world and entrancing them into its own. The leaves twisted joyfully in the slight breeze sifting through the air.
The girl sitting silently underneath, her back to the sturdy bark, could smell the faint wafting of morning dew. It en-wrapped her, taking her back. She stood up, brushing dust off her jeans and turned. Her hand petted the trunk and it seemed to shiver as if welcoming an old friend. It's lonely arms seemed to perk and tense. The many memories wove, unfolding now the stories they loved.'It has been too long,' she thought as her fingers ran over the smooth bark paved into her friend. The heart shape and two initials bore a part of her soul given and shared.
On the same day every year she came back to the place of magic. Every year she had walked away promising to return. All her disappointment had been felt and shared with the tree, for she had placed a part of her own heart into the aging bark.
Gratefully, the tree had seemed to take it so many years ago, smiling at the two of them as laughter abounded. Now it stared patiently waiting with her. It understood the yearning, waiting to be complete. Every year she had left, leaving it with its head dropped, just as her frown expressed sorrow.
Today would be the day. The sun began to shimmer and glint across the hill. And as the wind brought its arms to wrap closer to the girl, bringing hope, a smile began to spread. She turned and as if they both already knew, the branches fingers pointed-excited, they saw him together. He was finally coming. They were finally to be whole.

Not all is as it seems...

I have decided to share a poem and short thought i have written. Hope you enjoy!

1. The crane like a giraffes neck reaches. It's tongue desperate for a lick. It clenches down on the dry dirt, warm from the scorching sun. The clanking of metal rolls off the caged off pavement at Brigham Young University Idaho. The dark wheels menacing, continue to roll as though it has no cares. A monster on a rampage. People pass, uneffected by the roar and sight of a world tearing apart. Do they know something I don't? This mess its caused, it strikes me. It leaves tracks everywhere it turns. The smell of dirt wafting up overwhelmes me. This machine knows a purpose for the disheveled ground its digged for it never stops. Others may not understand the need for this. I now see its reason. Some things are better ripped a part to place a new thing of beauty. I sit on the hard gray stone wall encompassed by warmth from the summer sun. All I can do is stare and watch the earth shake beneathe me. The once ugly orange parts attacking the place it stands on now holds a purpose. Not all things are as they seem.

2. To take flight amongst billowing clouds,
to soar above great heights;
while looking down at passing faces,
found only in my sight.

When to come down I do not know,
nor do I want to,
for up above I freely soar
forgetting what to do.

No strings, no rules,
not a soul to halt me;
limitations do not exist.
Only I can say what I will be

whether bird or fish or car or just me,
it doesn't truly matter.
The wind is strong and lifts me higher,
but suddenly it all tatters.

Tears stream down as I soon learn,
not all is as it seems.
For as I blink I sadly see...
It was all just a dream.